A most common debate among American youth today, your bedtime headwear has an influence on everything. It determines what your day will be like, what style your hair will be in and essentially who you are. However, after a quick google search I found that there were no guildelines into which hats were and weren’t acceptable, causing an array of citizens to choose the absolute worst hats to sleep.

This hat is most unacceptable as nightwear

Lucky for you, being a certified hatologist, I have created a list for the perfect hats to wear during your slumber.

WINTER

During the winter time it can be hard to decide on what hat to wear; you want your head to be warm, but do you really want to wake up with some insane hat hair? It can be hard to find a cap that provides warmth and keeps your hair stylish, so after extensive research in thermodynamics and cosmotology I have found the perfect hat:

The Bullhorn Viking Winterwear, priced at only $400 an hour, provides both warmth and maintains a solid hairdo. In a controlled scientific experiment, 9 out of 10 participants were satisfied with the hair they had awoken to, with the only discontent participant being bald.

SPRING

Spring can be a difficult time to decide on which fashion to wear, as the temperature is smack dab in the middle of comfortably warm and subzero temperatures. However, I’m sure everyone will be pleased with the following model, The Flower Ribbon Springhat.

Priced at a mere $12 plus $83 in shipping and handling, this hat provides a solid temperature for cranial protection and utilizes the pink flower by keeping monsters and nightmares a like far far away.

SUMMER

This next summer model, discounted from $492 to a mere $30 (plus shipping and handling), doubles as both nightwear AND a casual house hat. All your friends and family members will be jealous when your head is both protected AND able to breath through the Summertime Wizard Strawcap.

What a model

AUTUMN

One of the most difficult times to decide on what to wear, Autumn is the time in between mildly cold temperatures and the beginning of a freezing winter. However, this next hat will surely get you through all of your sleepwear needs. Introducing, the Autumn Witch Hat.

This hat has the duality of both reminding everyone that the holiday season is around the corner, AND that you’re probably the most styling cat in town. Priced at a mere $5.19 at your local library, this will surely be the hat to end all hats (during the autumn season at least).

As a word of advice to all readers, even if you do not purchase the hats I have recommended, please find some suitable nighttime headwear at once. Everyone knows that an unprotected head during sleep is susceptible to hypothermia, Crohns disease and random falling objects.

STAY SAFE KIDS!

It’s a well known fact that before one reaches adulthood, their dreams are shattered and die. But for me, that’s not the case. If someone wants to become a musician, well than gosh darn it work hard and never give up! If you truly want to be something, work your butt off and you’ll achieve it. That’s why I decided to become a robot.

It was a quiet day at work when a customer approached me and I was forced to take their order. As I was taking their order I noticed as I pressed the screen, it emitted a small little “beep”. I was enticed by this beeping noise, it was just so calming. I wanted to hear this sound on repeat forever, so I unintentionally blurted out a loud “BEEP!” The woman, mid-sentence, gave me a weird look before I gave her yet another “BEEP!” It felt so good, so real, I just couldn’t let it go. The woman was slightly worried about me before the manager came up behind me, apologized and took me to the back of the store. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” he exclaimed, “stop scaring the customers and get back to work!” I stared him dead in the eyes and said with the most confidence I had ever emitted, “robots do not require currency to function, BEEP!” I then stormed out with a flawless robot walk and traveled homeward to recharge.

The next day at school was surely a toughie; I had discovered who I truly was, but nobody else knew that I was now a highly advanced piece of technology. My friend walked up to me and said “hey how are you feeling today?” It was common sense that robots do not feel, so I gave the only logical response: “ERROR!” I then stormed off to my math class, which was a breeze due to my newly found built in calculator, but AP English was something different.

For our assignment of the day, we were suppose to read three poems and give an analysis of each one. When called upon, I summarized the events of each poem, and was told I was flat out wrong. I was ridiculed by my classmates and told everything that I miss, like how the author’s blue blanket represented the nation’s economic status. “But teacher, this blanket is blue and has nothing to do with the economy, this makes no logical sense. YOU MUST BE MALFUNCTIONING.” My teacher was dumbfounded by my response and asked if there was a new medication I was taking. Once I told him I discovered I was a robot, the entire class laughed at me and our teacher told me “stop being ridiculous, you are definitely not a robot.” I stood up in a flashing rage and screamed out “MY PROGRAMMING SAYS OTHERWISE YOU INFERIOR LIFE FORM, NOW I MUST RECHARGE BEFORE I OVERHEAT!” I stormed out of this obsolete classroom, again performing an ace robot walk.

So the moral of the story here is that, even though I was mocked and told I could not become a robot, I became one. My therapist has told me to suppress the robotic tendencies I have in public, because most people are not compatible with my programming, but when I am alone, I beep myself to sleep every night. Even if people tell you that you can’t become a musician, actor or a firetruck, and even if they laugh at you and say you’re an idiot, you CAN do it! You just have to be persistent and do what you love doing.

BEEP

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When I logged onto Facebook once the elections were over, I noticed only one thing: the stoners were rejoicing over Amendment 64. Everyone was talking about how happy they were for it passing, but do these guys not know how much of an epidemic this can be? Not only does smoking marijuana deteriorate your lungs to a black crisp and lead to harder drugs, it can also give you brain cancer. [Source: Wikipedia]

But that’s not all! Marijuana not only has effects on the person using but the environment around them. If marijuana became legalized, everyone would become lazy and stupid! No one would ever have the motivation to get an education or go to work, and our society would just became a bunch of stupid, lazy potheads. Plus the rate of auto accidents would sky rocket, with everyone getting stoned before they go out for a drive. And let’s not forget about the cartels; just because they can’t sell weed doesn’t mean they’re going to vanish. They’ll start bringing in heroin and cocaine, and at a very low quality, completely ruining the quality of our youths.

Personally, I hope that the federal police intervene with these “legal” states as soon as possible. The medical marijuana scheme was a complete joke from the beginning, it was just a bunch of junkies trying to get legally high by faking joint pains and headaches. Thankfully they started cracking down on them harder in California, so hopefully we’ll get this whole “legal” status overturned shortly.

I know what many of you are thinking, “Mario Kart?! Who the fuck writes about Mario Kart?!” Well I’ll tell you who does: me. I was drawing a blank while thinking of a topic to come up with, so then I thought why not write about one of the best video game series ever?

I’m really not one to play an excessive amount of video games. Of course if I’m bored with nothing to do I’ll pop in a game for an hour, but I’m past the day where I go out of my way to grab a controller. But if someone tells me we’re playing Mario Kart, I stampede to the game.

I feel like at one point in their life, everyone has played (or at least watched) this game. It’s easily my go to game when I have people over, because who doesn’t like Mario Kart? It’s fairly simple: race around a desired track, use items to beat your opponents, and hope you don’t lose and throw your controller in rage. No one can really deny the joy in that.

The best part is there isn’t just one or two Mario Karts, there’s one for a majority of the Nintendo systems. You could play it on the go at school or on your big screen with three other people. In the end it doesn’t really matter, as long as you’re playing some god damn Mario Kart!